The San Francisco Neo-Futurists present: The Princess and the Pea
© 2024 Topher Lin
Andie stands center stage. Joe lies on the floor stage left under a blanket.
GO.
ANDIE. Once upon a time, there was a princess, and the way we knew that she was a princess is that she could feel a pea through one hundred mattresses. This is sort of a stupid way to tell who is a princess, as usually it is easier to read the tabloids instead. For example, Meghan Markle is not a princess; she is a podcast host on Spotify. Kate Middleton was a princess, but now she has been replaced by a body double. You can tell because all of her mattresses were Photoshopped.
Topher enters holding two pillows. While speaking, he stuffs one pillow up the back of Andie’s shirt, then the other up the front of Andie’s shirt.
TOPHER. Now, it’s commonly accepted that everyone in America has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but what’s less clear is whether everyone has the right to feel bothered by a pea. If you spill hot coffee in your lap, you can sue the restaurant for damages, and if you find a homeless person on your sidewalk, you can call the cops on them, but if you feel a pea through your mattresses, the legal foundations of a class action suit are a bit murkier. What, are you a princess? Also, do you have money to pay a lawyer?
Jordan enters and stands stage right. While she speaks, Topher gets a baseball bat from the props shelf stage left, then stands at Andie’s left and winds up to swing the bat.
JORDAN. Meanwhile, even experts have trouble deciding who counts as a princess. Andy Mooney, for instance, who invented the Disney Princess franchise, originally included Tinker Bell and Esmeralda. But later, he decided that Tinker Bell is not a princess—
Topher swings the bat into Andie’s back pillow.
JORDAN. —she is a fairy. And Esmeralda—
Topher swings the bat into Andie’s front pillow.
JORDAN. —Esmeralda is not marketable.
Jordan exits. Andie and Topher watch her go. Andie turns to face the audience again.
ANDIE. Every princess needs a strong personal brand to survive.
TOPHER. Now, you’re probably wondering about these pillows. (pokes Andie in the pillows while speaking) As you know, everyone in America has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of pillows, but what’s less clear is whether the invisible hand of the free market will sew enough pillows for everyone to stave off the horrible sensation of a pea.
ANDIE. If you have one hundred mattresses, then you can have as many pillows as you want.
TOPHER. But if you have zero mattresses, you could be fined $295 for the use of a pillow, blanket, or cardboard box.
They turn to look at Joe lying on the ground. Andie turns back to face the audience.
ANDIE. Also, you won’t be able to sue about the pea.
Topher begins poking Joe with the bat through the blanket. Jordan enters and removes the pillows from Andie’s shirt while speaking.
JORDAN. Meanwhile, Andy Mooney has decided that in marketing materials for Disney Princesses, the princesses should never make eye contact with each other, in order to keep their individual “mythologies” intact.
ANDIE. Every princess needs a strong personal mythology to survive.
JORDAN. Instead, in group poses, each stares off in a slightly different direction as if unaware of the others’ presence.
Topher stops poking and stands in a group with Andie and Jordan. All three stare off in a slightly different direction as if unaware of the others’ presence.
TOPHER. After all, a human body is much easier to ignore than a pea.
CURTAIN.
originally performed April 26, 2024