Market Research for the Canned Tuna Industry, featuring actual quotations from the Wall Street Journal

Before GO, Neos bring an audience member on stage. AM sits stage left behind a block, on top of which is a can of tuna. Neos 1–4 sit left of AM in a line. N1–N4 stare at the can of tuna whenever they’re not waiting for an answer for AM.

GO.

N1. Canned tuna.

N1–4 stare at the can.

N1. “Canned tuna is struggling to connect with younger generations.”
N2. “Per capita consumption has dropped 42% in three decades!”
N3. “In order to bring excitement back to the category, we have to be more creative.”
N4. What would make you excited about canned tuna?

All Neos turn their heads to stare at AM. AM answers.

N4. Interesting.

They turn their heads to stare at tuna again.

N1. Maybe it’s the convenience factor. “Many can’t be bothered to open and drain the cans.”
N2. “or fetch utensils and dishes to eat the tuna.”
N3. “A lot of millennials don’t even own a can opener!”
N4. Do you own a can opener?

All Neos turn their heads to stare at AM. AM answers.

N4. Interesting.

They turn their heads to stare at tuna again.

N1. “Just 32% of consumers aged 18 to 34 recently bought canned fish or shellfish”
N2. “People are diversifying their palates.”
N3. “Younger consumers are opting for fresh or frozen fish over canned items.”
N4. Do you prefer fresh fish to canned items?

All Neos turn their heads to stare at AM. AM answers.

N4. Interesting.

They turn their heads to stare at tuna again.

N1. Maybe if we put it in a pouch instead.
N2. “A next-generation pouch.”
N3. “Designed to fit in car cupholders and equipped with a plastic fork.”
N4. With “trendy flavors, including Hot Buffalo Style, Sriracha and Spicy Korean Style with Gochujang.” Does this address your concerns?

AM responds. N1-4 stare at them for an uncomfortably long time and blink.

CURTAIN.

Originally performed on December 7, 2018 as part of The Infinite Wrench and produced by the San Francisco Neo-Futurists.